By Kelly Holtzclaw

MIAMI - Eleven members of the notorious West 42nd Mac-Cubed Kings With Fries were aquatinted of all charges stemming from the January, 21st beating of Horst Borst, a German tourist who was unable to speak English "Too awful gud" because the police report taken at the scene stated: "The victim was beaten to within an inch of his life..." 

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Russell Crowe Assaults Self

SYDNEY -- Oscar winner and misunderstood James Dean wannabe Russell Crowe attacked himself today in a Sydney pub.  The attack ensued shortly after a brief argument between the actor and himself. 

"It looked like Mr. Crowe had worked everything out with himself, then, just when it looked like he was going to walk away, he suddenly turned and sucker-punched himself.  It was a low thing to do -- he caught himself completely off guard.  It was a sucker punch!"

Crowe's newest, in a recent string of many publicists stated, “these latest allegations are trumped-up, false, and taken completely out of context.  Russell Crowe was not, I repeat, not the aggressor here.

Russell Crowe has been linked to a string of violent outbursts including: attacking the Director of the BAFTA awards, a barroom brawl, and breaking into Buckingham Palace and smothering the Queen Mother to death with a pillow.

Mr. Crowe is best known for his film roles in A Beautiful Mind, as John Nash, the mathematical genius struggling with schizophrenia; and Gladiator, where he dressed up in a tight leather outfit and bitch-slapped a bunch of surly men for about two hours and fifteen minutes.

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Ebay to Auction Comedy Legend Milton Berle's Giant Penis

BEVERLY HILLS, CA -- The comedy and porn worlds simultaneously mourn the loss of Milton Berle, who died at the age of 93.  Berle, best known for he unusually large penis, was also a funnyman who enjoyed dressing up as a woman on 50’s television, and privately for his wife.

News of the death sent a shockwave through the porn industry, where Milton Berle had become a symbol of excellence to most male porn stars due to his outstanding penis.  When reached for comment, Ron Jeremy stated, “Uncle Milty was a guy with a big schlong, I’ll give him that.  He was like a God, a God with a really big schlong. He was funny, sure, but his dick, well, that was funnier.  That’s what I’ll miss.”

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Congressional Hearings On Stupidity Delayed When Witnesses Get Lost On Way To Capital Building

WASHINGTON, D.C. - “This is exactly why we need to pass that damn bill," Congressman Asa Hutchinson (Arkansas) screamed out in frustration as he and three other representatives began searching for ten missing witnesses that apparently wandered off and got lost, who were set to give their testimonials on how stupidity has effected their lives. 

“It's only the tallest freakin' building in Washington, you can't miss it." Congressman Hutchinson ranted, “For God’s sake, I repeated the damn directions about fifty-seven times."  He also faxed them directions at the hotel, drew them a map on a cocktail napkin, and sent a congressional page to lead them over, but somehow the group still managed to elude common sense and get lost. 

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