Russell Crowe Assaults Self 

Sydney -- Oscar winner and misunderstood James Dean wannabe Russell Crowe attacked himself today in a Sydney pub.  The attack ensued shortly after a brief argument between the actor and himself. 

 One witness described the assault as, "Vicious with a capital V, and I rarely use capitals."

"It looked like Mr. Crowe had worked everything out with himself, then, just when it looked like he was going to walk away, he suddenly turned and sucker-punched himself.  It was a low thing to do -- he caught himself completely off guard.  It was a sucker punch!"  After pummeling himself onlookers say the actor apparently the actor tried to bite a chunk out of his own neck, but this proved to be fruitless exercise.

Crowe's newest, in a recent string of many publicists stated, “these latest allegations are trumped-up, false, and taken completely out of context.  Russell Crowe was not, I repeat, not the aggressor here.  He was merely defending himself against Russell Crowe.  We are confident people will see our side of the story once the truth comes out."

Russell Crowe has been linked to a string of violent outburst including: attacking the Director of the BAFTA awards, a barroom brawl, and breaking into Buckingham Palace and smothering the Queen Mother to death with a pillow.

Mr. Crowe is best known for his film roles in A Beautiful Mind, as John Nash, the mathematical genius struggling with schizophrenia; and Gladiator, where he dressed up in a tight leather outfit and bitch-slapped a bunch of surly men for about two hours and fifteen minutes.

Russell Crowe could not be reached for comment.