Bob Dylan

New York, New York

Sirs,
You want jokes? I got a million of 'em - literally. I got blonde jokes, dirty jokes, funny jokes, not so funny jokes, hippy jokes, Ann Margaret jokes, and on and on it goes. My garage is filled with 'em, millions of jokes...

Jack Wentz

Bob Hope's cue card man
Hollywood, California

Sirs,
All I have to do is lift my pinky and the Red Sea will part. Swear to God, I've done it. So how come I have to have all these guns stashed around my house?  Oh, they're just so I won't have to lift a pinky to kill an intruder.

Charlton Heston

Beverly Hills Gun Club
Beverly Hills, California

Sirs,
Uh, I win the Heisman Trophy and uh, do the call me, "the best player ever?" Uh, no, they don't. Uh, I break tons of NFL records and uh, do they call me, "the greatest there ever was?" Hell no. Uh, I retire and launch a successful acting career and uh, do they call me, "the next uh, Brando?" Not uh, in this lifetime. But I go out and commit two iddy-biddy murders and, oh sure, it's "O.J. the murderer" and, "Oh look, there goes O.J. the homicidal maniac." Uh, I just think it's uh, time that uh, people started talking uh, about some of my uh, other uh, achievements.

    Orenthal J. Simpson

I'll search every golf course until the killers are found
Formally of Brentwood, California

Sirs,
I opened a national debate on healthcare reform. Did they call me a visionary? The greatest peacetime economy happened on my watch. Did I get compared to Roosevelt? I kept us out of war (I'm not counting that Kosovo thing when my polls were down) and I even signed the welfare reform bill. Did they compare me to Lincoln?  But I get myself a little trim and all hell breaks loose.

William Jefferson Clinton

Still President of The United States of America
Washington, DC

Sirs,
I just went back and viewed all of my musicals from the 80's. Jeeze. I couldn't make out one single coherent thought in any of my songs, but the ticket sales were through the roof. So here's my question…was everyone else on acid too?

Sir, Andrew Lloyd Webber

London, England

Sirs,
I am proud to report that after twenty years of intense studies, and countless millions of government grants, I have come up with absolutely nothing.

Dr. Raymond Goldbrick

National Institute of Health
Baltimore, Maryland

Sirs,
A dingo ate my baby.

Meryl Streep

New York, New York

Sirs,
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the universe reached its outer boundaries and then started to contract? And have you further wondered that if this happened would time run backward, would we get younger, and would the world eventually implode? Nope, me neither.

Vince Talbot

Playa Del Rey, California

Sirs,
Did you know that if you start Pink Floyd's, "Dark Side of the Moon" album and at the exact same time start, "The Wizard of Oz" and turn down the sound, it synchronizes with the film in an eerie, almost perfect way. But I'm warning you -- DON'T do this with, "Ace Ventura - When Nature Calls" cuz it'll fry your brain and you'll end up like me, living in a broken-down trailer park in Tupelo, Mississippi. I used to be a courtroom lawyer.

F. Lee Bailey

Space 47
Tupelo, Mississippi

Sirs,
Remember all the hoopla I made back in 1964 about, "cigarettes causing cancer"? And remember I put my warning on every pack of cigarettes? Well, I only did it because a Phillip Morris executive was screwing my wife.

Dr. Fredrick Swanson

Former Surgeon General of the United States
Washington, DC

Sirs,
I had a minor setback with my last album, "Garth Brooks: In the Life of Chris Gaines". But now I got a better idea -- "Garth Brooks, In the Body of Pamela Anderson Lee". What do you think? I've wanted to get inside her since I saw the Playboy pictures.

Garth Brooks

East til ya smell it and south til ya step in it, Oklahoma

Sirs,
Even though I live in the small town of Berg, Ohio I take my theatre going seriously and consider myself a patron of the arts.  And let me tell you, through the years I have seen some stellar performances, but nothing compares to the stellar  

Tom Dent

Berg, Ohio

Sirs,
Is it me, or has Calista Flockheart put on a few pounds?

Lara Flynn Boyle

No craft service for me, thank you.
Hollywood, California

Sirs,
Is it me, or is Lard Ass Flynn Boyle gaining even more weight? Christ, if you gave the woman a bucket of shit she eat it.

Calista Flockheart

What is craft service?
Hollywood, California

Sirs,
Christ is coming…and this time he's not going to fall for that phony-baloney, "Just go on up there on the cross and we'll save you at the last minute," crap.

Rev. Sonny Valentine

Bismarck, North Dakota

Sirs,
I would like to buy shares of your company "The Newz.com." Lately it has come to my attention that many people are becoming wealthy by investing in Internet companies that make no money. I feel it is time that I join their ranks. Your business seemed the perfect choice. You offer pointless information, for free, to anyone who wants it. By doing this, yours is one of the select 2,347,593 web businesses operating this way, and a perfect choice for the savvy investor. I would also be interested in a job working for stock options instead of pay. I am capable of many things, and could be of great use to you sweeping up around the web site. Of course, as soon as I am rich I would have to quit.

Thank you,

Mary K. Amway

Lawrence, KS

Sirs,
The other day I was giving an interview and the interviewer asked me if I had any regrets. Regrets? Excuse me, have you ever SEEN Playboy Magazine? Regrets? Yeah, I've got a regret…I regret that I can live to be 250 years old. That's my regret.

Hugh M. Hefner

Meet you in the grotto
Los Angeles, California