Creeping tabloidism, online newspaper satire and parody...
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GHOST OF WILT CHAMBERLAIN IMPREGNATES 77 WOMEN New Brunswick -- Is Wilt Chamberlain's ghost back from the grave and impregnating women? "Hell yes he is," says Albert Verhooven a late night fry cook at Donna's Coffee Nook and Gift Shoppe, off Route1 near New Brunswick, "He was in here tree times last week alone and he never once left empty handed if you know what I mean…ya know what I mean, right?" Police confirm other similar sightings on various foggy nights
In his autobiography Chamberlain claimed to have personally slept with over 80,000 women, and apparently his Herculean sexual drive is so strong that it extends from the grave. Long time friend Jasmain Senequia explains, "Hell, Wilt loved the women period. No if's, and's, or but's about it, he dug the women. And there's no way he's gonna let a little thing like death interrupt his getting some." Still authorities are baffled sheer magnitude of the coursing and the mass explanation offered by 77 women who all claim to have been impregnated by the Ghost of Wilt Chamberlain. Police Chief Chester Binks took time out from working with his recently constructed mobile crime lab, which consisted of a child's chemistry set, some tin cans, and hastily downloaded information from the Internet, to speak out. "Well something's going on out there. And I'll tell you this much…you don't have 77 women knocked-up by a damned ghost without the police getting involved. I don't care if he was a celebrity. Nope, I'm getting to the bottom of this," Bonny Swanson, a dental hygienist, recently told police she met a tall handsome black man at a coffee shop on Route 1 just after 10 P.M. "It was foggy that night, real foggy. And it was like he just was there all of a sudden. Nobody saw him come in or nothing, he was just standing by my table. And he was big, too, you know? I mean really big…I'm talking about his height, okay, so quit lookin' at me that way. But he was really creepy, and he was dragging all these chains around, and acting all scary and saying "Woooooo" this and "woooooooo" that. He smelled really awful too, like burning sulfur. But, there was something about him, something charming. I could tell he was a real ladies man when he was still alive…so I took him home and slept with him." Investigations are continuing and
a mass birthday party is being planned by the City Council.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOUND UNCONSCIOUS IN LAST ACTING ROLE -- AGENTS ADMIT END MAY BE NEAR Hollywood -- Anna Nicole Smith, best known for he massive, Jayne Mansfield dwarfing cleavage, was found unconscious Tuesday in her latest acting roll. Apparently Smith was playing the part of Molly, a single mother trying to squeak out a meager existence while perusing her lifelong dream of becoming a high-priced Las Vegas escort. Unnamed sources close to the playmate turned "actress" said they weren't surprised, as this was a particularly taxing roll and required, "real acting skill." "To find her comatose in her delivery and onscreen persona is terribly disheartening, it's a major blow to the film," said director Toby Zirpola. "We wanted Sharon Stone, but she didn't return our calls…and then to have the Monica Lewinski negotiations fall apart on the same day that Tonia Harding passed, well, then I just knew it was an omen and that Anna Nicole was the only person to play Molly." This is not the first time Smith
has been found unconscious in acting roles. In several other film
appearances audience members have found Smith unconscious as well.
Baltimore -- Scientist at the National Institute of Health confirmed today that the metal in rat cages does indeed cause cancer in laboratory animals. At a mid-afternoon NIH press conference Dr. Ronald Jam reflected the sentiment of his beleaguered colleagues. "Apparently by brushing up against the cages the little bastards contact cancer of all types. We thought about everything…we just never thought about the cages. I mean, this was a lot of work, and now it's all gone, just like that. Twenty-three years, two ex-wives, and five kids who wont talk to me? And for what? To start all over again? My whole life's down the crapper." At that point Dr. Jam broke into a low resonating howl of utter frustration and was led away from the briefing by an unidentified member of the nursing staff. "Yeah, this could be a
problem with the research data alright," said Dr. Erwin Burnbaum,
Director of The Foundation for All Scientific Data. "Sure didn't
see this one coming. Nope." Burnbaum confirmed that all scientific
data up until now was rendered worthless by the recent findings. BEN STEIN STAYS UP PAST MIDNIGHT Los Angeles -- TV game show host, pitchman, and professional bore Ben Stein astounded friends and family last night by staying up "well past midnight." When asked for comment Stein pleaded ignorance stating, "I lost all track of time. I was reading 'The Odyssey' for the ninety-third time, and when I looked up it was about 12:35." Stein immediately stopped reading
and when straight to bed, forging his usual ritual of milk and cookies.
STEVEN HAWKING DISCOVERS LOTTO ALGORITHM -- CONNECTICUT FORCED INTO BANKRUPTCY PROCEEDINGS Danbury -- These days super genius Steven Hawking has more on his mind than black holes and big bangs. "A few months ago I noticed an anomaly in the lotto numbers. I started to solve the problem and it led to a lotto algorithm. Actually, I'm surprised I didn't see it before it's so simple to predict the outcome." And simple it was for the genius/funnyman. In the two-month period Hawking has been playing the lotto his winning have passed the 53 million-dollar mark. But Hawking's good fortune has
taken its toll on the state of Connecticut, which Hawking has focused
exclusively on with his
"super-lotto-jackpot-mega-whopper-large" system. Tuesday the
State Comptroller filed for bankruptcy protection on behalf of the State
of Connecticut. Afterward, on the steps of the Federal Courthouse,
Governor George Hajjar verbally abused Hawking then produced a pig's
bladder and beat the physicist on and about the head with it, screaming
"Big Bang this!" Phone calls to the Governors office went
unanswered. ORIGINAL Y2K CONSPIRACY RUMORS TRACED TO OLIVER STONE -- SEVERAL CLASS ACTION SUITS PENDING Hollywood -- Famed film director, self-appointed government watchdog, and over the top conspiracy theorist Oliver Stone has one conspiracy too many on his plate these days. Both the FBI and the CIA have traced the original Y2K rumors back to Stone as the original source. The Y2K scare, which was responsible for widespread panic, mass suicides, a car fire in Buffalo, and public spending of over 600 billion dollars ended abruptly at 12:01 when absolutely nothing happened at all anywhere on the planet. By 12:15 AM 1/1/1900 a cooperative task force, utilizing the resources of the FBI and CIA, was quickly formed at behest of President Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno. Sources in the Whitehouse confirm the President was livid at the events which failed to unfold. "If I find out who's responsible for this I'm gonna bomb'im like an aspirin factory," the President was heard yelling from the oval office. Working surprisingly fast for government workers, the taskforce uncovered the string of events that lead to the expensive mass hysteria. Apparently Stone had been writing a script about the impending turn of the century and possible problems that might occur. Stone said the screenplay, ironically entitled Y2K, "wasn't produced because of the Hollywood establishment being the continual monkey boy of big business, big government and the Mafia." Stone denied any connection to the rumors themselves. "Look, I researched the hell out of this thing - I didn't make anything up. I personally went out and spoke to several authorities who confirmed that something like this could happen. Hell, I spent five minutes talking to the guy who parks my car at Morton's. He said it sounded plausible and he knows all about this stuff. I proficient with my Mac, but this guy, well he's a computer genius, he knows how to use a PC and everything." When asked for comment of the status of the investigation Attorney General, Janet Reno stated, "There's gonna be a federal lawsuit that'll make that Bill Gates thing seem like small claims court."
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